just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
