I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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