"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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