I bet he comes in French.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Randomize
