ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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