im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
