I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
