This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
