i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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