please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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