i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
