I just threw up on my dentist
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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