Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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