see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
