The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
