He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
