woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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