I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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