Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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