did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
