whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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