I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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