I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.