im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas