So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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