i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
