She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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