I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
