my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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