Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
