I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
