In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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