why didn't you poke me back
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
