I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
