i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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