I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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