You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
