the condom got lost in my hair
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
