I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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