you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
