you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
