yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
