Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
