just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
