She's JV to your varsity
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
