the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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