you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
