A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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