when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We need a shit load of segways right now
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
