Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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