Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
