just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
