I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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