remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
