dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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