i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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