no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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